Trying to cope

If you're reading this, you must really love me. I was hoping that miss Bella would still have her weekly confessions link-up running, but I didn't see it. I have some confessions to make.. and some people reading this will not be happy because I've not been honest about what I'm about to say. I love you, I do.. I just needed to do my own soul searching and I didn't want yelling and judgment from my best friends to affect my decisions.

I mentioned on Twitter about a text I received, from someone that most of my lovely friends (blog & non-blog) despise. And the reason you all hate him is because of what my posts consisted of, which for the most part was true. Lies can really hurt a person, or like one of my all time classic favorite movies quotes:

"Omissions are betrayal"   - Little Black Book


Yes..he hid quite a large characteristic about his life from me. I would have never thought I'd be in this position to say that I'm still madly head over heels in love with a married man. There was a time within the past couple of months that divorce was in the works, but sometimes realizing your family is soon to become considered a "broken home" the kids become the priority. I understand that, but it doesn't take away the pain.

I have heard horror stories about couples who attempt marriage counseling and remain together for the sake of their children, and my biggest concern is that he will be miserable for the rest of his life. Does that make it okay for what he's done to me? No. But forgiveness is a powerful tool, and I can't hate someone who loves their children.

She knows about me, I've messaged her and she knows where I stand. He will fall apart, and I hate to say it, but I will be there for him when he does. I can't stop the feelings I have for him. I can't stop wanting to support him in every decision he makes. I can't stop the ideation that he will show up at my door one day and be even more vulnerable than the day he told me the truth.

I don't expect anyone to understand my thought process, nor do I want to force anyone into thinking they should accept him like I have. But I would like for my friends to trust that I am an adult, and I'm making these decisions for myself and no one else. I'm not waiting for him, I'm waiting for me. I am choosing to love him, even though most of the time I feel like I have no choice because I can't control it at this point.

Everyone I love, hates him. This is my life right now. My family means so much to me, and knowing that they hate him..actually despise him, hurts me the most. Not the fact that he left me to work things out with his wife, not the fact that I cry at night because I can't call him, not the fact that I'm not the number one priority in his life. The most pain comes from my family's perspective of him and that if he comes back to me, that will be the toughest battle to face.

So yeah. In the midst of stupid grad school, my emotional roller coaster has flown off the tracks. I've been dying to write. I actually have been writing on music in my spare time (5 mins between papers). No full songs just yet, but it helps fill the void I have from not blogging. I love and miss you all <3

Fall Swapportunity!!

I totes got the best partner in the Fall Swap =) My Blog BF, Krista and I were chosen (at complete random) to be partners in this fun event!! You should be jealous! This has brought so much excitement to my crazy life, and I'm even more excited to see what the Winter/Christmas swap will be like!!

I had planned on stuffing her gift with cute tissue paper, but didn't get to. Love the way she made the boring postal box look adorbs!

Here's everything =) Window clings! An adorable halloween sign that I'm waiting to hang up on October 1st! A cute coozie for my sodas..or other cold beverages ;)

And some Essie polish!!!

If you know me, I love love love nail polish, so I immediately put it on when I grabbed it from the box! Please excuse my lack of nail artistry, but I'd say I did a good job ;) The color is called "smokin' hot" and it's sooooo pretty in person!

Oh I almost forgot about the Reese's cups! Which are snuggled in the freezer right now just waiting to be opened! 

I failed to include a card in the box I gave Krista, but I'll make sure to include it next time! 

I LOVE any type of card, and I didn't even have to tell her that! She actually included 2 cards, but I forgot to take a pic of the other one ;)

This was sooo much fun, and it's not over yet! We're going to be swapping gifts for each season and I am STOKED! :) It's so much fun shopping for these items as well as receiving them! 

Follow Your Arrow

Not to complain any further about my grad school struggles, but it's my blog.. I do what I want!

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So, because I need a quick procrastination tool, I am back on Tinder as well as POF because Tinder has a much slower response rate compared to POF. Also there are more laughs from POF that seem to brighten my day.

Unfortunately, this one dude on POF decided it would be a smart idea to insult my career path. Really? That's the route you've chosen to .. impress me? Or maybe you're just a jerk face. Just because your ignorant in what a social worker actually does and how much it really affects your career path of being a teacher, doesn't give you the right to just assume that I'm "handcuffed by the law into being able to do so little.."

His choice of words kept sending me over the edge, but it's possible that I interpreted it as a little more insulting than it really was. I'm super stressed out! I think I went into grad school with too much confidence, honestly. I thought hey, I did well in undergrad, I'm sure I'll be just fine!

Boy was I wrong! I was fully aware of not having a life when I began school, never did I think I would have a hard time breathing! I don't know how some people work full time while in this program. It's absolutely impossible for me to breathe when I'm only working part time!! Just so y'all can get an idea as to why I'm MIA from my blog here's my schedule:

Monday:

Internship 8:00am-1:00pm

Class 1:30pm-7:00pm

Homework 7:00-?

Tuesday:

Campus Job 8:00am-12:00pm

Class 1:00pm-7:00pm

Homework 7:00-?

Wednesday:

Campus Job 8:00am-12:00pm

Internship meeting 12:00pm-2:00pm

Work 4:30pm-11:00pm

Thursday:

Internship 8:00am-4:30pm

Work(sometimes) 5:00pm-11:00pm

Friday:

Internship 8:00am-4:30pm

Work 5:00pm-11:00pm

Homework is due by 11:59pm in 3 classes

Saturday:

Work varies usually 6-8 hour shift

Sunday:

Work 2:30pm-8:00pm

Paper due by 11:59pm each week



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And I know that everyone else is struggling and having issues as much as I am, but why are they so calm!?

 No one is freaking out as much as I have been!

I am planning a meeting with this sweet guy I've mentioned a few posts ago, 3 whole weeks from now because it's on my fall break and it's the next free day (that I know of) and because he works on weekends (as do I) the weekdays are best for him to meet. So hopefully that will go through. Then I've got the original Ginger Beard chatting with me, I'm now his #1 on BFF on snapchat.. not sure where the heck that's going. Also.. there's GB#2, he's annoying the crap out of me but sometimes he's the only one that will respond.

There's a new dude in play.. yeah I know I know what you're thinking..what the crap Ellie?! You're complaining about not having time, yet you can keep up with all these dudes?
It's ridiculous, I know this, but it's fine.. So new dude.. nickname: Walker
He lives on a farm with many many horses and TN Walker is a horse breed, so yeah Walker it is. This dude seems interesting. He's currently taking classes at the same college I am but our schedules are totally different. Not too much conversation has happened because last week was a bad homework week.

This post is getting too long.
Stay tuned for my Fall Swap Post! Hopefully either tomorrow or Thursday I'll be able to get it up! :)

Help Me Help You!

Beginning in middle school, I don't know why, but my friends would come to me for relationship advice. NO CLUE as to why they chose the loser who only had one boyfriend in 7th grade then the next one came along towards the end of my senior year of high school... but they did! All through high school people would ask me what they should do..

I still am a resource for many of my friends, I guess maybe that's part of why this blog is centered around my dating experiences.

I was thinking... maybe if there are enough to participate.. Every Friday, making it like a Q&A day. I would read emails throughout the week of your questions, and I'll post my opinion/answer to it on Fridays. I would keep it anonymous! Unless you leave me a little note saying, I can mention your name. Otherwise, I will just state the question/scenario to be analyzed and then I'll respond! What do you all think?

Here's what IIIII think about it. 

1. It'll help me to blog more

2. We can build better relationships

3. It will be so much fun!

Please comment and let me know if you think this is a good/bad idea. It won't hurt my feelings if you really think it's a bad idea. I'm still averaging 40-50 page views A DAY! How? I have no clue because I've been a terrible blogger since school started. I love ya'll so much :)