Wednesday, November 19, 2014

Trying to cope

If you're reading this, you must really love me. I was hoping that miss Bella would still have her weekly confessions link-up running, but I didn't see it. I have some confessions to make.. and some people reading this will not be happy because I've not been honest about what I'm about to say. I love you, I do.. I just needed to do my own soul searching and I didn't want yelling and judgment from my best friends to affect my decisions.

I mentioned on Twitter about a text I received, from someone that most of my lovely friends (blog & non-blog) despise. And the reason you all hate him is because of what my posts consisted of, which for the most part was true. Lies can really hurt a person, or like one of my all time classic favorite movies quotes:

"Omissions are betrayal"   - Little Black Book

Yes..he hid quite a large characteristic about his life from me. I would have never thought I'd be in this position to say that I'm still madly head over heels in love with a married man. There was a time within the past couple of months that divorce was in the works, but sometimes realizing your family is soon to become considered a "broken home" the kids become the priority. I understand that, but it doesn't take away the pain.

I have heard horror stories about couples who attempt marriage counseling and remain together for the sake of their children, and my biggest concern is that he will be miserable for the rest of his life. Does that make it okay for what he's done to me? No. But forgiveness is a powerful tool, and I can't hate someone who loves their children.

She knows about me, I've messaged her and she knows where I stand. He will fall apart, and I hate to say it, but I will be there for him when he does. I can't stop the feelings I have for him. I can't stop wanting to support him in every decision he makes. I can't stop the ideation that he will show up at my door one day and be even more vulnerable than the day he told me the truth.

I don't expect anyone to understand my thought process, nor do I want to force anyone into thinking they should accept him like I have. But I would like for my friends to trust that I am an adult, and I'm making these decisions for myself and no one else. I'm not waiting for him, I'm waiting for me. I am choosing to love him, even though most of the time I feel like I have no choice because I can't control it at this point.

Everyone I love, hates him. This is my life right now. My family means so much to me, and knowing that they hate him..actually despise him, hurts me the most. Not the fact that he left me to work things out with his wife, not the fact that I cry at night because I can't call him, not the fact that I'm not the number one priority in his life. The most pain comes from my family's perspective of him and that if he comes back to me, that will be the toughest battle to face.

So yeah. In the midst of stupid grad school, my emotional roller coaster has flown off the tracks. I've been dying to write. I actually have been writing on music in my spare time (5 mins between papers). No full songs just yet, but it helps fill the void I have from not blogging. I love and miss you all <3