I actually really enjoy being single. I know a lot of my posts may sound bitter or resentful to the dating scene. In all honesty though, I love being single!
I'm about to get kind of emotional with you. I've been having some really emotional dreams recently that involve what my life will look like in years to come, also involving some past relationships.
In order to kind of understand me and realize why some of my posts are so rude and bitter towards the guys I'm dating, I thought I would tell you about my past relationships.
My very first boyfriend I had was in 7th grade, who also was my first kiss. I was never the most popular girl in school, but I wasn't necessarily lonely either. I was a cheerleader, but like I've mentioned before: I'm not skinny now, nor was I skinny then. So, I was occasionally teased about being the biggest girl on the team, but I never let it get to me. He & I only dated for probably somewhere around 3 months. This was when MySpace and MSN Messenger were "the thing" and my girlfriends (who never went without having a boyfriend) kept questioning why I had never been kissed before. So I sent him a message on MySpace asking when he was going to kiss me.
This is the point and time in my life where I figured out that
Well.. we kissed at a local college basketball game a few nights after I sent him a message about it. It was like a normal first kiss= Awkward. But still kinda cute! So like a week later we broke up in the cafeteria because he went to the bathroom and didn't wash his hands afterwards (the sinks were on the outside of the bathroom) and that was it for me.
So I get into high school and I am boy crazy over this one guy. I called him all of the time, I wanted to marry him and spend the rest of my life with him. This went on alllll through high school and he put up with it. He'd call me on occasion but not nearly as much as I would call him. We never dated. SOOO many people knew that I was pretty obsessed with him. I still to this day don't know why. I was never in a relationship until my Senior Year.
My first "real" relationship started with someone who was dating someone else. Let's just say that this girl (his gf) and I were not the best of friends. We met at a friends house and played rock band. We fell in love with each other, but he had a girlfriend. So we were secretly messaging for weeks. He kept telling me that he was going to break up with her because things were bad. So I waited. I'll admit, I did do a few things to make the process go a little faster by spreading rumors that he and I had kissed and stuff. Hey..if a girl really wants something, she'll do whatever it takes! They finally broke up and we started dating (scandalous!) But we waited a couple months to make things official. We dated for 2 years, and he proposed to me. I said yes
I was miserable.
First of all.. before the proposal we had been talking about getting married and all other topics about it came up. So he wanted me to send him pictures of rings I liked. So, I did.
Every single ring I sent was a round diamond. The ring he gave me:
Now you tell me. Does that look round to you? I hated this ring. Now, I know people will say shit like, "If you really love each other it doesn't matter what the ring looks like because you'll love it because HE gave it to you."
Here's where reality started setting in. He treated me like shit, so even if I was absolutely IN LOVE with the ring, I was never going to be happy with him. He abused me in so many ways. He never physically hurt me, but sometimes I wish he had. Bruises go away. The emotional depression he put me through will NEVER go away.
JUST ONE example:
I wanted a tattoo when I turned 18. I got an extremely small heart (size of a quarter) on my foot. A damn heart. If that was the only thing I got that day, everything would have been fine. But, I got a lot of new nicknames thanks to him:
Ask my sister who was there and heard these words come right out of his mouth...she'll tell ya all about it. He was never afraid to call me names. He was extremely controlling. I went to a college that was about 2 hours away from where he lived. Because he wasn't there to supervise, I was never allowed to go anywhere without a full detail report of EXACTLY who I was going to be with, and the physical address of the restaurant or movie theater I was going to. Heaven forbid I wait more than 2 minutes to answer a text from him while I was out to dinner with friends ( all girls ) and the world ended if my girlfriend decided to bring her boyfriend along.
He didn't work. Mommy&Daddy paid for a LOT of things..hell they paid for everything. He had a college degree in a medical field- got a job at a shell gas station. He wanted me to move into his parents house after we got married until we could "get on our feet" That's the day I took my ring off and said, "not gonna happen"
We broke up.
Like a fool, I went back two weeks later to the shell gas station to talk to him after his shift. We talked. He had already started hanging out with other girls. Could you imagine if I had done that?! No, instead he was still manipulating me and I moped and cried those two weeks we were broken up. So yeah, he had hung out with one of his "crazy ex girlfriends" he used to always trash talk about, and he had made out with her. What the fuck, asshole?! But, stupid me said it's okay, just be with me now. He said okay and he wanted me to come back the next day to talk more so I did, but we had AGREED to not tell ANYONE what we were doing. I didn't even tell my sister!! &I tell her EVERYTHING.
I go back the next day, and I run and jump into his arms and I'm so excited, but he has no emotion and doesn't hug me back. We get in his car, go for a drive (i'm trapped) and he tells me that he told his mom....
[insert every insulting cursing name I could give him]
She said, "I don't think she loves you." And he believed her. So I said, take me back to my car I'm done with this is bullshit. I've given you all of me and if you want to take her word over mine then so be it."
I went through deep depression. Lots of crying and staying away from home to avoid him. My whole family LOVED him, because he was nice to EVERYONE but me. So even my mom said things like, "Oh honey you'll get back together" When I knew that I didn't want to ever be that miserable ever again. I didn't tell my family until a year or so after it all happened about the way he treated me.
I worked a lot of hours while I was in college and being tied down to him made me miss out on the college experience. All of my college friends were made with "strictly work" friends or after we broke up. I've been out of college for a couple years now, and my friends are just now getting ready to graduate.
That's a super long story, but it really exaggerates why I'm SOOO picky about who I want to be with or even just date!
--I'm going to make this a 2 part post, and I'll post the rest another day.
If you've made it this far...I love you lol because this was a lot for me to put out there, and help you understand why I am the way I am.