Self control

I am trying my hardest not to text jerkface. I'm such an attention whore! Nobody is talking to me and I know it's late, but jerkface would always text me this late and I'm missing that attention. 

BUT I CANT 

I cannot text him

I can't do it! 

I am woman. 

I deserve way better than his jerkface. 

Why does my brain work this way? Why can't I just tell my brain, "hey we can't talk to him anymore he's been blocked and deleted so just forget about him" and POOF it automatically gets erased. Why is this impossible? 

I want to say so many things to him but if I did it would be absolutely pointless.

I'm supposed to drive 3 hours to meet mr "too good to be true" tomorrow but he stopped responding to my texts and phone calls around 6pm tonight. He was supposed to call me when he got off work so we could discuss the plan for tomorrow ...nada

If he bails on me I will be so depressed because I'm just about to give up. 

The only reason I'm still on plenty of fish is to check up on jerkface and see how often he's online. I know I'm a crazy stalker. But I'm a girl...can't help it.

Uahdnejfivusbnwkdovusbw euidfknebrbfjisndbnffkcibs

^^ how my brain is acting right now.

Maybe I just need to go to sleep. Sleep this craziness off. 

Sweet dreams <3

Insomnia & Heartache

I can't sleep. 

Have to get up in about 5.5 hours in order to be at work on time.

I guess this is my fault. I should have stopped when everyone was telling me to, or even when I was telling myself to stop.

I've been seeing jerkface/douchebag/asshole, we've been hanging out even after I found out he went on a date with someone (now being a month ago) and blah blah blah. I was trying to take things casually. He was still being shady. Well tonight I just thought hey I wonder if he's ever made it to the Topix forum in his hometown or in this town?! So I'm searching Topix and not having any luck finding him, but the mobile site for Topix is hard to navigate so I just searched his name on Google.

Turns out he was arrested 2 freaking years ago for possession of cocaine. 

-what.the.hell-

I really know how to pick em obviously. So I asked him about it and he gave me the smartass comment of "oh yeah huge druggy" so then I sent him the screenshot of what I found and his reply?

"My friend didn't tell me he had it and got me in trouble for it and you know what I'm tired of all this meaningless snooping."

My response?

'K'

Blocked from my phone and snapchat. Bye loser! I hope I never see your face again.

You know I can understand that it wasn't yours and you didn't know your friend had it, but I laid out my baggage then I asked if you had any and you left that part out. 

&&Don't you dare call my snooping meaningless.. Clearly it's not so meaningless when I keep finding shit about you that you had FIVE MONTHS to tell me about! 

If you had told me when I asked if you had secrets that may be a smidge of importance to whatever lame relationship we had goin on, I wouldn't snoop!!

Also, stop draggin that poor girl along- the girl you went on a date with once that I found out about and told me you don't have any feelings for her and "it's not going anywhere" When I asked her today, she said you two talk EVERY.DAMN.DAY. but you both have been "too busy" to hang out.. yet you came over to my place multiple times... Just tell her that you're not interested before she either reads this post or I tell her myself. She's a nice girl and deserves better.

But can someone please explain to me why my heart is literally hurting right now? It's hurting as bad as it did when my ex fiancé and I broke up. I don't understand?! He is an IDIOT!

Or is it me? Am I the idiot? Is that why it hurts? Because I was so stupid and blind this whole time? That I can't seem to find a single decent man on this planet because I'm too quick to be with someone who shows me the slightest attention? What is wrong with me?! 

So what if I snoop? Don't give me a reason to snoop. Honesty is KEY.

If you're honest with me, I'll know it and I will not snoop. But lie to me, I get these weird feelings that cause me to go Sherlock Holmes on your ass and trust me I will find the dirt you're trying to hide from me and the rest of the world.

Guys.. I'm really worried I might see him in public. I realllllyyyy hope that doesn't happen.

Is this real life?

Yes, I am aware that the economy kinda sucks right now and job openings aren't exactly plenty. But how does a guy expect to act at the proper standards of a "man" when they don't have a job at age 22 or older? Just curious. Also, if you plan on working minimum wage for the rest of your life, meaning you don't have plans to further your education/apply for a better job/work towards a promotion at this age... You might as well be unemployed. 

If you're currently in school and it's a demanding course load, I can understand the reasoning of living with your parents until you have a full time job to pay for bills after you graduate. But, I want to include that it's not impossible to have a job while in school. If you feel this way, I consider you lazy. Bumming off your parents to buy you things other than the necessities of life such as groceries or paying the bills of the house you've always lived in....lazy. 

Personally, I think it should be natural for someone at the age of 20-21 to realize hey I need to step up and pay for my own crap. Your parents provided enough for you for over 20 years...cut the dang cord.

Some exceptions might be : your parents are millionaires and no one values money in your family (I won't be dating you), school demands you take an internship/clinicals full time during the week while also taking classes, .... Yeah that's about it, if I think of any other exceptions..I'll add them later.

Men should take a better stand at life, because I feel like there are too many lazy bums and I just can't be committed to someone like that while I work my hind-end off to chase my goals.